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Another Season, Another Stage

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For the last ten years, I have been a stay at home mom. Within that time we brought home two more newborns, the first three children started elementary school, and I homeschooled the oldest for her three years of middle school. We also started our business and I even went back to school myself a couple of times. In three weeks time, my world will ultimately change. The oldest is returning to public school as a freshman in high school. Then the youngest is starting kindergarten, the baby is going to school. So that means all four of our kids will be in school. People have started to ask what I'm going do to with all my free time. Hmm. That's a great question I guess, I've even asked myself that question. I've thought about going back to school or working at our shop. I have considered taking care of myself by going to a doctor to check on some things I have on my mind, thank you late 30s. Or going to counseling for a time, again just to work on some things on my mi...
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Bittersweet Sounds

When I was a little girl I would stand upon the wooden pew next to my dad as he sang hymns with the congregation. I was mesmerized with his then visible Adam's apple. It wiggled and bounced with his falsettos and harmonies. I would sometimes reach over and touch the vibration, I still remember the wonder of it all. He would look at me and chuckle because it is a goofy thing only a child would do. He never scorned me for it. He delighted in me. From choir rehearsals to singing CCR & Air Supply in the car to playing records to singing along with Jesus Christ Superstar, there was always music of some kind. He always had a song in his heart. I now realize this is where my sing-song-slightly-annoying-type-parenting probably comes from. Oh well, one day maybe they'll appreciate such a skill! As an adult with my own family sometimes if we'd make it to the same service as my parents we'd sit with them. I could always pick out my dad's voice next to me. What a swe...
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There Is Something About Grief

There is something about grief. Grief makes you slow down. Down you go, on a road you didn't map out. Out of breath, but holding on still. Still your soul, and let yourself feel. Feel all the waves that are crashing in. In hope you are anchored, in love you can rest upon the shore. ----------------------------------
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It Is Well, (As Well As It Can Be)

Today marks a year without you.  What a year it has been. The waves of this loss has been crazier than anything I've ever felt. I miss you, your laugh and even your corny jokes.  We are all doing the best we can.  We made it through all the "firsts" without you, because that's what you do. Right? The grandkids talk about you and their memories. Even the youngest still remembers who you are. You were such a wonderful granddad! I'm glad I witnessed that. The night before you died you sang to me and said it has been an honor to be my father.  Dad, it is an honor to be your daughter.  Always. xoxo  I carry your heart with me, (I carry it in my heart). -  E.E. Cummings.
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In Courage: Meant to Live

It's been a year since my dad went into the hospital and spent seven weeks there until his final breath.  I feel like I'm digging in my heels but day after day I'm plummeting into the year anniversary of his death. Frankly, it sucks.  My birthday is this month and it was (is) a tradition for my mom and dad to call me on my birthday and sing "happy birthday".  The last few years I have told myself I needed to record this tradition while I could.  Last year, I did.  I haven't listened to it yet, I can't. I sent it to my brother on his birthday. See, I can share. wink! I was challenged to share what courage looked like in my life right now.  And this is where I'm at. I need to live. See it all, dream, feel everything, be present in my personal life. Doing things afraid, because this life is so short, why not live it now!  (You can take the challenge at MelissaAulds.com/blog)
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Expectation and Dancing

I have had a habit of counting the weeks since my dad's passing. Maybe because I've been pregnant four times...not sure. Weird. You know that count down you do: The closer you get to that 40 weeks, the anticipation, the expectation. Life is about to change. But there will be no sweet new bundle in my arms today at week 40. Yet there is an expectation for my mourning to turn into dancing. I have always liked to dance, but there's this tendency to give a rip what anyone else thinks. At the beginning of the year I asked for a word, my word was DANCE. I turn 35 this year and I told my husband that I wanted to go dancing for my birthday in March. A few weeks ago a marriage class with dancing opened up at our church. With a twinkle in my eye, I asked if he'd mind taking the class. He is so willing to step outside his comfort zone for me! (Heart you BIG!) We walk in the class and written on the board, "You have turned my wailing into dancing, removed ...
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Laughter and Tears

Today has been a hard day. Honestly, yesterday was too. I won't lie, I drank yesterday. Yesterday I didn't care. Today I've gotten some things done around the house and then I'm right back in bed. My youngest daughter came and snuggled me for a bit and I couldn't hold back the tears. She said "what's wrong Momma?" I said I just miss my dad, and the reality that he won't be here for the holidays is really hard. She started to cry. "I miss him too." We talked about his goofiness and his hugs, what we miss most. And how it is okay to cry, and go days without crying. All the feelings are okay. I held her, and she held her baby doll. She just laid there in my arms, knowing that this was okay to feel this way. She said "I didn't get much time with him..." and we cried some more. Oh how I wish I could hear him again...just to know everything is going to be okay. So today I'm thankful for the memories we can share through laught...
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