No Longer Tossing

A year ago I couldn't be honest about this area of my life.

Not with myself, not with anyone.

I will start by saying this week I'm celebrating my day. Happy Birthday to me, 3-9-12. Obviously, I am not turning one, but in a way I am. A year ago today I finally, truly, wholeheartedly, with everything that I am gave my life to the Lord. And to some of you reading this may think, "what?"

Well let me tell you my story.

I was raised in church, in a Christian home. We were a family involved in the church. We were sometimes the first people there, because my dad turned on the lights at the church. I would even call it our second home. In this church, I received my prayer language, I was prayed over countless times, I was prophesied over, I prayed with people. Went to church at least twice a week. Read my bible, sang in the choir, summer camps, etc. And as I grew up, the next two churches I belonged to, same thing, involved.

But something was missing. I couldn't put my finger on it. I started to question His Grace and Mercy. Every time there was an altar call, whether it was on the radio, from the pulpit, I couldn't breathe. Like a mini panic attack. There was a fight in my being. A clenched fist in my throat. A pull to go up there and accept the Lord. "But if I go up there, what have the last 18 years meant? Fake. Fraud. What will people think of me?" So I would not go up, I wasn't giving in.

Then during car rides home I would have thoughts of us crashing into something, another car or whatever, and dying and wondering if I was truly saved. Sheer terror.

This happened several times. Did He truly have me in His Mighty hands? I started to ask my husband questions regarding his faith, and he knew that he knew that he knew exactly where he was going even if we were smashed by a semi-truck.

For a while I lived relying on his faith. Told myself to just "believe" harder. Oh but the Lord wasn't giving up on me. He is tender and He is patient. He wanted me to have my own faith.

Last year I took some time to myself to be with God. And it forever changed my life. I was praying with a small group of women, and then it was asked "if you were to die tonight do you know where you'd go? Don't leave without knowing."

A few ladies came forward, and that wretched grip on my throat was choking the life out of me. I was shaking. I thought I was going to be sick.

But then I heard, "is there anyone else? You're on the edge of your seat. Something holding you back. Don't hold back." I raised my hand, stepped forward, feel to my knees and bawled my eyes out.

You know that ugly cry? Yep, that cry. Not cute. But I didn't care.

Trembling as that clenched fist loosened its grip, I was breathing. Really breathing. I even said aloud, "never again will I wonder on the way home from church!" Wow! What freedom. That was a hefty weight on my shoulders, and I physically felt lighter.

This new freedom has been tested many times this year.

Now when I hear that question, I smile. I smile because I know that I know that I know deep down in my knower that His grace is sufficient, and I know where I'm going. I know that I will make mistakes, but nothing can keep me from Him. I am in His Might hands. He's got me.

That's a great feeling.

I'm no longer tossing. And it feels good.

"Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of men in their deceitful scheming."
Ephesians 4:14 NIV

Be firm in your faith. Know where you stand. Understand His Grace.

So I must ask. If you were to die, do you know where you'd go?