Free To Be Me.

My childhood was good but it also contained abandonment, sexual abuse, insecurity, rejection, fear and shame.
"Why did they leave me here?"
"Don't tell or I'll hurt your parents."
"You can't pronounce that word, you're an idiot."
"You shouldn't wear sleeveless shirts, it isn't flattering on you."
"Are you sure you really want to do that? That doesn't seem like you."
"If people really knew this about you, they would not like you."
"Is she ok, she doesn't smile."

I was a scared girl, people I trusted hurt me. I was on guard, constantly. I became quiet. I didn't know how to react to things. If I cried I was too sensitive. If I was insensitive I was a cold wench. If I snorted when I laughed I was obnoxious. If I wanted to try a new style I couldn't pull it off. I just started being a chameleon, being whomever "they" thought I was supposed to be. I just wanted to blend in and not cause a fuss.

I stepped out and wore plaid pants to church one day with the encouragement of a friend. I threw up after we got there. It seems silly now, but there are things I won't wear today because I'm too scared to try. (I'm working on that!)

I still struggle with thoughts of making sure people see me smile because they'll think something's wrong. There was something wrong when I was younger, but none of these things were my fault. It wasn't my shame to carry, but I didn't know that then.

I have been on a journey of freedom for a while now, and I'm still pressing in. I want to go deeper and be free from everyone's opinion of me.

My memories still come back every so often but I have to push myself to do things out of my comfort zone to remind myself that that little girl is free now. She can get out and play, she doesn't have to be quiet anymore. Her monsters cannot rule over her any longer.

The sweetest part about my Jesus is He took me back to all those times and showed me where He was and restored my heart.

Hurt people, hurt people but free people, free people!

I have a lot of reasons to smile and laughing is one of my favorite things to do. The real me is coming out bit by bit.



Comments

  1. AnonymousMarch 8, 2013 at 1:37 PM

    You girl shine, you have a right to take up space and decorate it how ever you like! I love your colors!!! Thank you for sharing my friend!

    ReplyDelete
  2. UnknownMarch 8, 2013 at 2:15 PM

    Jess I love it and I love that you braved-up to shared about it too! Love your brave, transparent and humble heart. You are amazing!!! <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Jessica SwinfordMarch 8, 2013 at 4:55 PM

      Thanks Jess! :-* I'm so glad God brought us all back together, at just the right time! He's good like that!

      Delete
  3. Leah RochaMarch 8, 2013 at 5:31 PM

    Wow! Thanks for being so vulnerable and brave! You are amazing and I love your heart!

    I think what Connie said deserves to be said again....You have a right to take up space in this world! So stand tall, throw back those shoulders and lift that head, walk your journey out with confidence that God knows what He is doing. He is gentleman. He will not parade your short-comings, but he will exalt your talents. Trust Him. Lean into Him. In every moment of your life, you can find Him if you ask.

    I don't know if all that makes sense to you, but it's something I think God wanted to say to you.

    ReplyDelete

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