Finding Beauty in the Wild

Today has been a hard day. Honestly, yesterday was too. I won't lie, I drank yesterday. Yesterday I didn't care. Today I've gotten some things done around the house and then I'm right back in bed. My youngest daughter came and snuggled me for a bit and I couldn't hold back the tears. She said "what's wrong Momma?" I said I just miss my dad, and the reality that he won't be here for the holidays is really hard. She started to cry. "I miss him too." We talked about his goofiness and his hugs, what we miss most. And how it is okay to cry, and go days without crying. All the feelings are okay. I held her, and she held her baby doll. She just laid there in my arms, knowing that this was okay to feel this way. She said "I didn't get much time with him..." and we cried some more. Oh how I wish I could hear him again...just to know everything is going to be okay. So today I'm thankful for the memories we can share through laught...

It has been 28 Thursdays. The pain isn't as sharp now. I will always carry a little bit of a sting. Today I got in the car and the song on the radio had me tearing up. That's how it is now. I can go a string of days without crying, and then bam it hits me. Liam randomly will talk about you. "I love Pawpaw", when he sees your picture. Will he always remember you? I hope so. The holidays are around the corner, and I know we will try our best to push through. It's going to be difficult. Not really looking forward to it. But I will forever be thankful for that last Thursday I had with you. 

I know it sounds odd, but just hang on.  A lot of changes have taken place over the last few weeks. I slowed down on drinking alcohol to really feel my grief, and because well it was a big factor in my weight gain. The gym has become a hide out for me again. I just didn't feel like going for a while. But now I'm back at it! I seem to push myself more if I'm in a class setting. For the most part you just keep moving, because everyone else is. Zumba has always looked fun but I thought no way, I'll look silly. When I showed up for a class there was a sub, and all she taught was Zumba...well that's how I took my first Zumba class!  It was a ton of fun, but my left hip would not get with the program.  Fast forward to my second, this time on purpose, Zumba class. There was an elderly man waiting in the classroom. My first thought was, look at this creeper! If you aren't familiar, Zumba is cardio dance with a very Latin/Hip Hop vibe. So I really thought this man was ju...

Gonna be brave here for a second. I want to preface this with I am free from legalistic religious views about drinking. But, I noticed something about my grieving process, I wasn't allowing myself to feel it all. I was numbing the pain with a drink. When the kids were on my nerves, I could easily grab something. I've gained weight since my dad's passing. It is due to alcohol and not going to the gym. Yes I'm a busy mom, school just started, house construction, life, etc. etc. I know all the excuses. I own them. But the two things that I need right now are Jesus and exercise, and these are the two things I've kind of avoided. Not completely but not fully pursuing either. It's been a week since I've had a drink, and when the feels come rushing in and I want it, I ask Him to show me. The first time it was Thirst, get some water. The second time, I have enough room for you.  I'm sorry you lost your Daddy too. The third time, you don't have to make yourse...

I can't help but think of you on Thursdays. The last time we said goodbye was a Thursday. It's been 20 Thursdays since. It still hurts, but I'm holding on to what you said. I know you're making people laugh and giving heavenly hugs to all those who enter. I could really use one of your hugs. The world could use one of your hugs. We need a hugging station. Just line up for free hugs. Maybe on Thursdays.

It numbs you It pains you It stops you It shakes you  It comforts you It scares you All at the same time It makes you wonder what the point of living is It makes you hold on to the very last stitch of belief It makes you want to start living now Right now! Forgive Grace Mercy Truth  Climb that height Jump in deep Feel the sun See the moon Play, have fun Create Try something new Stay up late Get up early See the sun wake up and see it go to sleep Go so far out to see all the stars you can see Go to the beach Get on a plane Pick up the phone Proclaim your love  Before it's too late I don't want to wait to live Every single breath is so precious  Relax and enjoy it

Someone posted a picture* of me last week. I was in the background, so it wasn't intentional. I was struck by an angle I really never see. My backside.  Pictures don't lie. Or do they? I have struggled with body image for years. Never good enough, thin enough, strong enough, healthy enough, capable enough. When I was in high school I wasn't overweight. I thought I was, but I wasn't by any means. I went to the doctor and told him that my back had been hurting and I wasn't sure what to do because my breasts were bigger than average and I kind of self-protected by hunching over a bit. I don't know, maybe I thought he'd send me to a chiropractor or tell me some stretches that I could do. Instead, he grabbed my "back fat" and told me I needed to lose some weight. I was mortified. I stopped eating. I nibbled on crackers and had water or lemon lime soda and that was it, for two weeks.  T wo of my close guy friends noticed what I was doing and they called ...

The night before my dad passed, we had to ask some hard questions.  In the event that his heart stopped, he would receive shocks and chest compressions again.  I asked him if that is what he wanted.  He said rather confidently, that the shocks and compressions "hurt like hell!". He didn't want any more pain.  That was all I needed to hear. He asked me if I was okay if he left.  With tears, I said yes.  He said thank you for being his daughter, and it was an honor being my dad.  I've been filling my days with what needs to be done but I'll be honest, this hurts like hell.  I never expected it to hurt this much.  I've had women of all ages  tear up when talking about losing their own daddy.  I suspect this is just the beginning of my heartache.  I know I will be okay, but right now this just hurts.  He went into the hospital on 3-6-15, and today 5-4-2015 we celebrate his short but full life.  I wish I would have hugged...

Yeah, that finger! This is what my friend says and A. it cracks me up and B. I just like it! Hell yeah! The fear of human opinion disables. Proverbs 29:25 Now, there's a bible verse so I've covered all my bases. I want to go here. Because I can. We all have read so much on certain clothing items that might turn you on.  We get it.  You may have lustful thoughts if you can see the outline of a woman's under carriage.    Good grief. I brought up men and tight pants on social media, and how that too was distracting. Lo and behold, I wasn't the only one who noticed this! Oddly, I never said it was at church but people knew exactly what I was talking about. I wasn't the only one seeing it. Some things happened after this post, and I wanted to bring it up.   I was privately told that if this happened again, I should tell the person in leadership because that is not their intention to distract the congregation. First of all, that is not going t...

I have felt a tug to share this part of my story for a long time. It's a difficult thing to share when your story may shed light on someone else. This is not a story of blame. I have tried to find freedom and this is where I end up. This is the area I am digging in and shedding light.  For the first 24 hours of my life I wasn't held. I was ripped from my mother's body in an attempt to save both of our lives. She had an infection, therefore they stuck me in an incubator. I have been told the story that a kind nurse closed the curtain and opened the circles on the incubator so my parents could touch me with out the doctor knowing. Two and a half years later my brother was born. My mom was struggling with PPD.  Both my parents were in need of help and that left them to make a huge decision of where my brother and I would go while the sought help. One of my very first memories is my parents dropping me off at a children's home. An orphanage.  My memories of living in the ch...

Walls provide shelter.  Protection from the weather.  We seek shelter when there is a storm coming .    Divide rooms. Keep things hidden from the outside. I built my first wall when I was 5 years old.  This wall was in my heart. I have a collection of walls.  I was a professional builder.  If I was hurt or unsure I could run into my shelter for safety. I had control of who could come in. There is some construction happening. Walls are up where they no longer fit. I'm thinking open concept.  To let the light in.  I have my hard hat on, and I'm digging deep to let the light dispel the darkness.