You Are Marvelous

Someone posted a picture* of me last week. I was in the background, so it wasn't intentional.

I was struck by an angle I really never see. My backside. Pictures don't lie.

Or do they?

I have struggled with body image for years. Never good enough, thin enough, strong enough, healthy enough, capable enough.

When I was in high school I wasn't overweight. I thought I was, but I wasn't by any means. I went to the doctor and told him that my back had been hurting and I wasn't sure what to do because my breasts were bigger than average and I kind of self-protected by hunching over a bit. I don't know, maybe I thought he'd send me to a chiropractor or tell me some stretches that I could do.

Instead, he grabbed my "back fat" and told me I needed to lose some weight.

I was mortified. I stopped eating. I nibbled on crackers and had water or lemon lime soda and that was it, for two weeks. 

Two of my close guy friends noticed what I was doing and they called me out. 

They told me what I was doing was harmful and that I didn't need to be doing that to myself. Good, because I was hungry!

When I went to college I took an aerobics class and it was so much fun. I had never been in better shape. Never been thinner, but then I was "too thin" according to some. Around this same time, I met my now husband. 

Over the past 15 years my weight has increased quite a bit. I've gone up and down and back up again. Health issues, life in general, happy eating, sad eating, four children in eight years and most recently my father's death hasn't helped. 

And some, okay a lot, of my caloric intake these days comes from coffee drinks and alcohol. I'm trying to find the balance again, and cope with all these emotions in life that keep getting thrown in my path.

When I first saw that picture last week, my heart sank. "Oh my gosh. I look like that? Whoa." "Geez I hope no one else zoomed in and saw all that I have put on." "I look gross." 

That's the lie. 

I just started reading You Are Not What You Weigh by Lisa Bevere. I'm only one chapter in and I've already had my heart rocked. 

I am not what I weigh. I am not a number on a scale. It doesn't define me. 

When I recognized my own inner voice beating down my body for what it looked like I shut myself up. Those whispers of not enough, or too much, if you will, are no longer welcome in my head.

 

Who am I? I'm Jessica. No matter what my size is, I'm still me. Of course I want to be healthier, but at what cost?

Every day we see miracles of births and little tiny children and we are in awe of them. Well, guess what? We adults are still an awesome thing to marvel at. 

I'm starting to see it in my reflection too. It's okay to see yourself and be in awe. 

This body is mine and it is the only one I get. My heart has been beating for 34+ years. That's pretty amazing.

I will continue to work on being healthy, but I am not doing it according to anyone's standards or charts. 

I'm doing it for me. 

*not the same picture. That french twist, and pretty bow though. :)